Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.