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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Cause of death: Zumba
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
want me to check your oil?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.