There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Put the is in disheveled
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*