I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
it’s the silliest best thing
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
#Caturday
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
peep davidson
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.