ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Oh my god