Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
You Might Also Like
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.