[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
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OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Duolingo getting serious.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”