wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did