Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.