My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
That earthquake could have been an email.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Your honor these allegations are
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying