Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
yea so i messed up lol
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.