My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I think I’m having a stroke
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER