My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.