[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
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Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Banana is the quietest snack
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.