Basically.
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s