Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I’m not proud
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.