Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
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My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*