what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
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Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
The Others (2001)
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
X-tra spooky blend
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.