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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”