Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot