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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!