THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
gm
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor