me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
You Might Also Like
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.