I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]