BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Stop it! 😂
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The Backseat Boys
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer