My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair