HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
You Might Also Like
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
oh my gosh!!
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.