Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work