getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
what’s more important?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.