With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Europe. Made in Germany.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Happy Star Wars day!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.