Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?