I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
cyclists
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.