HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.