How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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oh u like history? name everything that happened
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.