You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.