[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better