Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
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The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review