Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
You Might Also Like
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Pretty much! 😂👀
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)