If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.