give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Meow
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
This is a whole mood;
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.