Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month