Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice