Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs