I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I’m aging like a fine banana
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine