christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.