Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
This hospital has everything
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.