Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Incredible customer service.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I bet birds love this building.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Sign at work today