doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me