I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me