being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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what’s the point then??
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
At least my masseuse has my back.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day